Hi Friends,
Welcome to our last crayon of the series, the Gold Crayon of “bare belonging.” Bare belonging is the existential fact that you and I and everyone with a bellybutton belongs. IN LIFE. You exist, therefore you belong. From the first alive moment until the last, we possess inherent and irreplaceable value that no act of ours or others can enhance or tarnish.
Bare belonging is the foundational fact that we anchor our fluctuating experiences of belonging to. When, for example, I’m uncertain if I belong at my school, in my neighborhood, in my cubicle, I can remind myself that I do already belong. I belong everywhere I am. Yes, even when I don’t feel it. And so does everyone else. We’re always learning how to find people and spaces that reflect the fact of our bare belonging, people we can build nests of living relationships with. And we’re always learning how to become that space for others everywhere we go.
No matter how many icebreakers, road trips, chants, matching uniforms, secret handshakes and team-builders, an experience of belonging will not emerge without sincere acknowledgment of each other’s bare belonging. No one is really after VIP status or inclusion in the cool kids club; we desperately need to know we’re very important people when we’re NOT invited behind the velvet ropes.
When we walk into a new room, we have a right for our bare belonging to be affirmed. We should hold ourselves to the standards of acknowledging, welcoming, and treating everyone with kindness and respect. Without exception. It is NOT about whether we vibe with a ping-pong group or click into flow state with fellow musicians and nerds. But from a state of being acknowledged, we can relax enough to be authentic and vulnerable to explore connecting well with others. You never know what kind of relationships and learning and support can grow from the shared foundation of bare belonging.
The Gold Crayon shines in the darkest moments of our loneliness to remind us of the truth that we belong already. And when we look on the despair of so many around us, we can choose to see the gold crayon peaking out of their t-shirt pockets. There is always hope, because the truth is that I belong already. And so do you. No matter what. Let’s help each other see it when we can’t see it for ourselves.
Take Care,
Cat
P.S. - Kintsugi, the Japanese art of using gold to mend broken pottery.
P.P.S. - Trusting the Gold: uncovering your natural goodness by Tara Brach
P.P.P.S. - In middle school I thought that I was missing some social genes, so I wanted to backtrack on the evolutionary chain and learn socializing 101 from monkeys. Did you know that here’s research out there that loneliness can be 37-55% genetically influenced? Here is a Golden Lion Tamarin who is probably not lonely.