There's Nothing Wrong with You.
The Black Crayon
Hi Friends!
It’s day two of back-to-school reminders. Yesterday was the “white space crayon” to help us color in a priority of solitude, or time to be with ourselves. Today I want to get dark. Black, in fact. This is the crayon you will take into the bleakest moments, often at night, which is when loneliness biologically deepens. It will not fail you. :)
Loneliness, shyness + social anxiety are common during transitions and generally taper off as we find our feet and our people. What we are on the lookout for, however, are three degrees of danger: social withdrawal—> stuckness—> internalization.
Social withdrawal is where we self-sabotage relationships from forming or deepening, for any number of reasons.
Instead of saying yes to an invite to check out a group, for example, you hide in your dorm room eating brownies in the dark.
Or you skate to class on back alleys to avoid making eye contact with humans.
Or you put earbuds in to be unapproachable, only talking to your friend from back home .
When we withdraw like this, especially during the crucial 3-weeks at the beginning of a new social experience where much of the initial meet-and-bond takes place, our social experience can narrow and harden, leaving us stuck.
Stuckness in too few or superficial relationships for longer than a few weeks starts to shape our perceptive grid of the school and makes it more and more difficult to try new things, meet new people, and change our social experience. We can lose motivation to keep trying to find our people, which then becomes a vicious cycle: we try less, nothing happens, and we say, “see, nothing works, why try?”
Without realizing it, we can slip to the rock-bottom thought: “There’s something wrong with me.” This is internalization, and it is the most horrible lie. We are meaning-making creatures, and in attempt to understand and change the unbearable experience of chronic loneliness, we try to find a cause, a reason for it.
Many of us will look in the mirror and say, “Ah-ha! Gotcha. It’s YOU. There must be something wrong with you!” Then the snarky voice follows with, “All the other kids have friends, are going to parties, are having “the college experience,” and what are you doing alone on a Friday night?” This conversation may not even be conscious. It might show up as depression, apathy, self-hatred. But I want to voice it because we need to be aware of it when it comes up, and know how to speak to it. For ourselves. And for each other.
The Black Crayon is the densest color there is. It can negate the worst lie. And when we hear that long-fingernailed voice saying, “There’s something wrong with you,” we write over it with “There is nothing wrong with me.” We have to assert and re-assert the fact of our bare belonging every single day in a world that constantly tells us we have to prove our worth.
Ideas for using the black crayon:
For yourself:
Get a black crayon or sharpie and write out the lie. Then write over it ten times with, “There’s nothing wrong with me.”
Each morning for a week, while you’re brushing your teeth, say out loud in the mirror, “There’s nothing wrong with me.” Pay attention to what comes up. Do you argue with yourself? Are you talking to someone else from your past when you say it? Do you get sassy with confidence?
Journal or doodle about a time where that lie snuck up on you. What were the circumstances? How did you cope? What ultimately changed your experience?
With others:
If someone close to you is struggling with a confusing or hurtful relationship situation, consider asking them, “Are you in danger of thinking there’s something wrong with you?” You can mirror back to them the strengths that you see in them as a friend.
Normalize checking in with friends, family, neighbors and co-workers about where they’re feeling stuck in their relationships and wanting to get unstuck. Maybe there are simple ways you can encourage or support them.
Create an anonymous group share (digital or IRL) where people can share there experiences with this prompt: “A time where I felt excluded or like I didn’t belong, but then this happened….”
See you tomorrow, everyone!
Take Care,
Cat
P.S. - Check out the incredible work that Storycraft Lab is doing to help organizations create a sense of belonging among employees. Excited to be partnering with them this coming year!