Hi, Friends!
I’m putting my ‘P.S.’ first because I am so excited!!! I’m launching a podcast soon, and I am freaking out that I get to return to my sweet spot of having coffeeshop conversations with people about their lives. Which podcast cover do you like better???
OK, Back to The Anatomy of Loneliness:
At the end of a long conversation with a student about their social story, they sat up straight, paused, and asked, “Wait, so what IS loneliness anyway?”
I paused, too. We’d nuanced their social experience then spiraled back and nuanced the nuances, but hadn’t “defined” loneliness at any point.
I fumbled for the standard social science language that gets loaded into power points, “delivered,” and lands with zero emotional impact: “loneliness is the disconnect between your perceived social needs and the experience of them being met.” I rolled my eyes at myself, “Not helpful, Cat.”
They looked at me, processing, and said, “Ok.”
Was it ok? I was frustrated with the definition. Or more so, I was frustrated with trying to define loneliness abstractly when it’s not an abstraction. To me, we HAD defined loneliness for them by excavating their experience with their own words, images, memories, textures. But maybe they weren’t asking for the definition as an academic exercise so much as expressing a yearning to see if their inner experience was shared by others.
The truth is, that while there is no one satifying abstract definition of loneliness, there are aspects of the experience that near something universal. Think of the experience of loneliness as a living collage of thoughts + feelings. The shared or “universal” nature of loneliness then has to do with the presence, in varying proportions and degrees, of those core thoughts + feelings. So what are these?
In The Anatomy of Loneliness by Teal Swan, they are:
a sense of separation
shame
fear
I would add: sadness and confusion.
If you expressed this collage in words, it might sound like, “I feel separated and disoriented. I don’t know, I just feel bad. Like something’s wrong with me. Like the world is indifferent and hostile. I’m scared.”
So when someone is lonely, there’s some mix of these thoughts + feelings going on.
After my boring recitation to the student of the “correct” loneliness definition, I tried to recover by saying, “Did you know that another student was just in here with a totally different story, but they were saying they’re feeling the same way?”
“Really?”
Half their loneliness evaporated on the spot. Recognizing the shared qualities of loneliness is crucial for feeling not alone in it. When we learn to sit with and understand our collage and help others do the same, we can form a route to self-compassion, to empathy + to helpful next steps.
Try these art exercises! (And you can do it with ‘belonging’ as well)
A full-on loneliness scan, you say? Feel free to use this for yourself or in groups you lead to generate discussion.
Boots on the ground: taking it to your community
Social Media: polls. Use the polling functions of Instagram stories, LinkedIn, etc. to add some life to the scrolling:
Where does loneliness show up in your body?
Everywhere
Nowhere/IDK
In a specific part
Moves about free range
If loneliness were a taste, what would it taste like?
Sour skittles
Old coffee
Ocean water
What are you talking about, tastes like nothing
Acts of Belonging: emotional support human vests
Yes, I did make this and wear it in public. It’s an amazing conversation starter, and you can just go about your daily grind and see what happens. Also, you can get them in bulk for like $2 each. *Don’t expect teenagers to do this, too cringe.
Groups: Loneliness Mocktails
Orgs are endlessly doing “happy hours,” and if you’re a fun CEO, you should seriously expand the team-building to “lonely hour” and make loneliness mocktails together with the ingredients standing in for various experiences you’ve had. For instance, I would be ordering a “Single Mom with a twist of pandemic.”
Take Care,
Cat