Thank you guys:)
+ projects launching that I want to do with you!
Hi Friends,
I’m still absorbing your kindness around my last letter—THANK YOU for reaching out with tenderness, encouragement and your own experiences. I haven’t felt so at peace in my own skin since childhood. (Since before we all became conscious of our bodies as potential objects of rejection.) I just got new hair in the mail, so stay tuned for a fashion show soon. Next month I’m planning to leave the house without my hair for the first time ever. I will then come home and ring the liberty bell. :)
Podcast Launch! SOCIALLY RICH
Our podcast, Socially Rich, has launched its first episode: “Why Relationships are the New Gold”, which you can find on Spotify and on IG @sociallyrichpod. Journalist Megan Botel and I are trying to redefine wealth according to what’s most valuable to human life: relationships. Once a season we’ll gather in-person around LA to get rich together and share our wealth through an act of service, because who needs just more talking without boots on the ground action? Not me, ma’am. Want to share your story on the show? I’ll be posting calls for specific stories each week here on Notes, and we’d love for you to contribute:)
Here’s the social wealth inventory you can take along with us to get a baseline of your current social assets:)
Rogue Research Project! VARIETIES OF LONELINESS
We (me and my brilliant research partner, Dr. Robin!) just broke ground on a project that hopes to identify and give a space of beauty and purpose to every species of loneliness in existence. It’s a never-ending research project by design, partly to showcase the vastness and infinitely-textured designs of loneliness. Also to highlight what can be learned and used for good through our experiences of it. We should be befriending loneliness, not eradicating it.
We’d love for you to gift us with your own varieties by answering a few Qs (~ 5 mins.) (Use the Qs as journaling prompts or conversation deepeners, too!)
Check out a few of our latest responses from friends:
What varieties of loneliness have you experienced?
The Loneliness of retirement
The Loneliness of leadership
The Loneliness of being misunderstood
The Loneliness of ideological differences with friends
The Loneliness of being in a marriage that isn’t emotionally healthy
The Loneliness of death of a parent
The Loneliness of racial/cultural/ethnic displacement
The Loneliness of poverty
The Loneliness of changing schools several times, starting over with friends
The Loneliness of relational longing for relationships you haven’t yet had
The Loneliness of neurodivergence, not picking up on social cues
The Loneliness of shame
The Loneliness of afternoons
Anti-Ghosting Campaign: 3 Text messages to Un-Spook Modern Relating
“Ghosting” or disappearing without warning or explanation from a relationship—even a very newly-formed one— has become all but normal in the digital dating age. And it has spilled into friendships and other social contexts. It is not ok. IT IS NOT OK.
This has happened to me so many times, including just this week after a month of dating someone who showed all the initial signs of being a well-mannered, stable and upstanding citizen. He even asked about my love languages (eye roll). Each time, being dropped is as brutal as it is unnecessary. But worse, over time it erodes our ability to trust our instincts and self-worth. It rattles our confidence that we can trust others to be basically kind and respectful to us. It can alter our socializing behavior more generally in order to protect ourselves. In other words, it poisons the relational culture towards suspiciousness, callousness and self-isolation.
Much darker than “immature,” ghosting causes actual physical damage, lighting up the brain’s pain pathways and decelerating our heart rhythm. Mentally, it can trigger trauma, anxiety, and depression. Existentially, it dehumanizes both the ghoster and ghostee by denying someone’s dignity. Psychologists classify this behavior as “emotional cruelty.”
We must do better. Here is a bare bones script that you can copy and paste to send to anyone you no longer wish to nurture a friendship or partnership with:
Hi, [first name of human]. I’m not going to be moving forward with our connection. Thank you for the time and energy you’ve invested, I value you, and I wish you all the best.
Even if we’re just needing to step back from someone, if we have any suspicion that doing so will confuse or hurt them, we can be transparent. For example:
Hi, ____. I hope you’re well. I’m needing to step back with how much I have to offer right now. I value you, am here, and will keep you in the loop as I can.
And if you suspect you’ve been ghosted and find yourself spinning, not wanting to chase after someone but also feeling like crap not knowing what’s happening, consider taking the reins and ending things well on your own terms. This is verbatim what I sent to my latest ghoster, (with input from my bestie, Sarah.):
Hi, ______. Being dropped with no explanation is immature, selfish, disrespectful and cruel. I do not deserve this. I have moved on and wish you well.
How we change our closeness in relationships and/or exit them is as important as how we initiate them! If you need a habit replacement, put down ghosting and pick up ghost writing. Sorry…
Homefront Update!
Noah is 6’. This feels impossible, as I close my eyes and still feel him riding on my hip. He’s in 9th grade and in full-on ART mode. See below! If you know of local artists or art opps, I’m looking for some mentors for him. He is obsessed with portraits.
Boba (black mini lab) is the sweetest girl, and Zoey (cat diva) is the oldest queen, now walking into random rooms and screaming for no reason. I guess she’s earned the right.
Have a great week, grateful for you all!
Cat