Hi Friends,
I hope you were able to move in slow-mo this weekend and are creating some speed bumps for yourself along the work week’s freeway.
Today I want to give you the Gray Crayon to help us risk self-disclosure, but wisely. After slowing down, this is our next move towards authentic connection. But first! I’m wondering what your canvases look like so far as our colors melt together with solitude, the fact that there’s nothing wrong with us if we’re lonely, connecting through nature, making someone’s day on purpose, using our imagination to make unlikely friends, and slowing down.
The word “vulnerability” is as ubiquitous now as Taylor Swift. But not so sure the practice of it is. (I’d love for us to think of practicing vulnerability, something we gain skill and wisdom with, rather than as a binary act that is or isn’t vulnerable.) Getting to know someone and letting them get to know you is the definition of a “gray area.” And gray areas are our vulnerability playground.
The #1 question students ask me is, “How do I get my friendships to go deeper—to go from friendly to real friends?” My response is usually that someone has to initiate sincere self-disclosure. To risk being known. Either in conversation or through a shared experience that requires putting yourself out there.
“Ok, how?” is the next question.
The safest, easiest way to think about this is to think about how you go into a pond. Some people—often those who hate “small talk”—want to canon-ball off the rope swing… emotionally. But most people need to test the water temperature and check for crocodiles before even entering the shallow end. This is wisdom; it is not “being shallow.” We need to know if a person is trustworthy with what matters to us.
For example, we may tell someone about a book or movie or band we are into. If they check their phone or walk away instead of caring about what we said, asking follow-up questions or telling us about what they’re reading/watching/listening to, then we probably won’t accelerate into telling them about our childhood trauma. They haven’t showed that they can care, at least in that moment, about the little things, so why sign up for heartbreak by sharing the big things?
BUT, if they’re available and great, they’ll message sincere interest in you, giving the green light to share more precious things in the future. Proceeding step by step with trust-building allows us to grow our vulnerability muscle safely. And protects everyone from trauma-dumping and over-sharing, which can strain a relationship that hasn’t had a chance to really form enough connective tissue to handle weight.
*A big point here is to not jump to conclusions when people self-disclose at varying paces or need different conditions in order to open up. IT DOES NOT NECESSARILY REFLECT THEIR INTEREST IN GOING DEEPER. It may reflect their individual needs for sharing. It may reflect nothing about you at all—what if they’re just having a godawful day/year? We need to give people a few chances under various circumstances.
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So where would you place yourself on the very scientific Vulnerability-Aversion Scale I just made up? Magic Rabbits are the most averse to emotional risk-taking, and Honey Badgers will share anything, anytime, anywhere, man. They hold the Guinness World Record for being the most fearless animal. 🏆
How would it change based on whether you’re with family and friends, classmates/ coworkers, neighbors or online?
Practicing Being Known:
Start with the things that feel neutral to share, then move to things that feel exciting to share. You don’t need to start with what feels heavy, sensitive or complex.
Practice with warm people, dogs, and people who are being paid to be nice (customer service people.)
Figure out what is off-limits, private, and too-personal for you and practice what you want to say or do to redirect a conversation that gets uncomfortable. “Maybe we can talk about that later, but for now what I’ll say is…” or “Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom now.” That was my go-to for …decades.
Ask yourself, “What do I wish people would ask me about?” and start asking other people that—questions often boomerang.
Reflect on what kinds of environments and activities help your body relax and try to do more of those with people you’re getting to know. Walks? Coffees? Lego-building?
What kind of pep talk can you give yourself if you’re going into a social situation where you’re afraid of being boring or of over-sharing?
Take Care,
Cat
P.S.- Remember these magical things?????
P.P.S. - 1,001 Conversation Starters is a great resource for thinking about how to onramp into conversations that build in vulnerable self-disclosure over time. Please purchase a copy for poor Boba.
