Hi Friends,
I’m tired. Too tired for exclamation points today. So tired that when I dragged myself to guest lecture a class at USC this week, I ended up sitting cross-legged on a big desk down front. I told the 75 kids outright that I was not giving them my ‘A’ game. I was giving them the best I had in that moment, and I hoped that would be ok.
The course is called THRIVE, and I decided that instead of saying how to do it, I was going to ask them to help me achieve it. When we help each other like this, it propels our own thriving. Other-centeredness boomerangs. I knew this, but I’d never DONE it in a context like this. I could have not lectured. I told them I almost didn’t come. The professor even encouraged me to take care of myself instead.
But what if it’s more valuable, I wondered, for me to show up “like that”? To publicly state how I was showing up. To give students, crushed by expectations to excel, an opportunity to see ‘a successful authority figure’ sitting on a desk, exhausted. No mic. And using a stuffed octopus to describe how we are trained to put on a happy face when inside we’re sad, mad, confused and tired.
My voice was shaking when I started. I said, “This is hard for me—I was just introduced as a connection guru. Do you hear my voice shaking?” By the end it wasn’t shaking anymore. I had put myself in their hands. I dimly remember advising them to not get married in a cemetery and to not literally eat people when they experience ‘social hunger.’ I stand by both of these statements.
Tiredness affects our choices for connecting and disconnecting. And loneliness can also make us tired. I guess I also wanted to prove to myself and to these students that we can still connect when tired. Physically, emotionally tired and also soul-weary. We can broaden our imagination for what “counts” as meaningful social engagement to include the ebbs of our energy.
First of all, we don’t have to go to the party, the cinema, the concert together to connect. Our social life is not located in these places or activities. We can just walk to the market together without talking. We can look at a leaf together, as Thich Nhat Hahn suggested. Or even take a nap together.
Second, whatever we’re doing together, we can relieve ourselves of having to be fun, interesting, pretty, funny, saintly, or whatever expectations we put on ourselves to ensure we’re ‘good enough’ to be with. We can just be with each other. And if that’s not “enough” for someone, that’s ok; find some living thing to just exist with until a like-minded person comes along—, like a tree or duck. Ducks tend to have low friendship expectations.
I hope you get some rest this weekend, and that it’s something that you can do with others. Or that you have people in your life that can support you in getting the rest that you need alone. There are so many people in our midst that can’t rest without our help. What can we take off their plate so that they can lay down? What can I take off yours?
Sending nap mats from the frontier :)
Cat
P.S. - Here are some professional nappers to befriend:
2. The Art + Science of Napping
3. Cat Napper