Make someone's day.
The Orange Crayon's altruistic power.
Happy Wednesday, Friends!
So far, we’ve drawn with solitude (white crayon), the fact that there’s nothing wrong with us if we’re struggling (black crayon), and reconnecting to a deep sense of belonging in the larger natural world (green crayon). Maybe your social canvas looks like one of these (or nothing like these)… How cool that the shades of our social experience can interact so wildly.
Today is Wednesday, the day we turn to the humans in our midst. I’m suggesting that we begin re-human-ing our relationships by adopting a life posture where we intend to make someone’s day. Whomever’s path we cross, our reflex can be to wish them well and do well by them. Far from being a whimsical approach to life, this is actually the most scientifically-valid way to approach people. How come?
First of all, this approach puts us in an empowered stance rooted in the relational values we want to promote in the world. We are taking initiative to get the reciprocal dynamic of care started. We aren’t just waiting around to see if other people are nice first or hunting for evidence that we don’t belong.
In Becoming Rooted, Dr. Randy Wood describes "coming in a good way" as an Indigenous way of approaching life and others with respect, openness and care that sets up a positive context for relating. Personally, in the thousands of times I’ve smiled at strangers coming into the cafe, I’ve maybe once had someone not smile back. We are wired to respond to kindness with kindness when someone starts the ball rolling.
And bonus! Not only does being kind boost your own happiness, Dr. Doty, MD, a researcher at Stanford's Center for Compassion + Altruism, finds that being kind calibrates our nervous systems, putting us back into “rest and digest mode" and out of "threat mode." So being nice makes us happy and calms us down. From a happy, calm state we are better able to relate: virtuous circle!
The research is in on the power of approaching people with what psychologist Carl Rogers called “unconditional positive regard.” We accept and respect people regardless of their behaviors. We choose to value someone’s dignity without asterisks. People can feel that coming at them and it helps them drop their guards. Additionally, Rogers found that “As persons are accepted and prized, they tend to develop a more caring attitude towards themselves.” Bam!
What’s the communal ripple, you ask? Well, the contagious kindness research finds that even witnessing kind acts makes people feel good and inspires them to want to behave more kindly. Check out UCLA’s Contagious Kindness Project for a way to participate in viral video-sharing of kindness.
Coming in a good way towards each other intending to make each other’s day in simple-small or complex-huge ways helps provide conditions for connection.
HUMAN!: An awareness-raising game for kids
This is very simple and hopefully funny. We are by default pretty preoccupied with ourselves, so it can take some training to become aware of others even existing around us. Even as adults, it’s crazy to me how we “un-see” people who don’t register as relevant to us for whatever reasons. When Noah was little, I made up a car game where we got points for noticing people we drove by. Whomever screamed, “HUMAN!” first, got 5 points. I don’t know what the prize was, but man did that bore some deep grooves in my brain. I still do it while driving, even if alone :)
The “I love you” game for influencers and/or normal people: I saw some kind of influencer demystifying her charisma. My eyes were rolling so far back I became pupil-less for the rest of the post. BUT, I actually think she’s on to something. She said that everyone she comes across in her daily life she looks at and says mentally to them, “I love you.” And she means it. Change it to something that sounds real to you—”All the best!”, “Good things upon you!”—and see what happens.
AND….
10 simple ways to embody unconditional positive regard adapted from Mearns and Thorne (more researchers):
Going over to someone and greeting them. Hello!
Suspending judgement. No one wants to be judged. We’re already constantly judging ourselves.
Shaking hands/fist bumps/bows. Remember covid? :(
Using their first name. Can’t believe how effective this is to validate someone’s identity.
Smiling (sincerely). Over 80% of communication is non-verbal.
Using a warm tone of voice. Here is a throat warmer if you need help.
Holding eye contact (if culturally appropriate). Just making eye contact with people in passing has been shown to decrease both people’s experience of loneliness.
Being present and attentive. My friend, Maris, told me to “be where your feet are,” and it has changed my life.
Showing real interest in what they say.
Offering a hug (ask first) or reassuring touch (arm pat, etc.)
Finally, Boba would like to make your day in the best way she knows how:
Take Care,
Cat